I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
