The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
