I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
