just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
