fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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