New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
