Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
