i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
