How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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