I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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