someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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