was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
