if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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