Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
