Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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