i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
