It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
And then my night got REAL pukey
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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