everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
