I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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