you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
