It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
