Don't make out with my wife yet
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
