i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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