I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
