I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
