people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
