My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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