She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
