What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
