She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
