i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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