Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
