I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
