I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
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You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
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was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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