When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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