I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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