and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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