Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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