your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
