i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
