just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
