Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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