I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You took a bar mat shot.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
