walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
