Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
