i was born a porn star she said
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
