I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
