I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
