just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
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as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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