your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
