I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
