Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
