You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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