Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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