So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
