its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Is it penis luge time yet?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
