I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
